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| I wonder why I protected the May entry. I actually like that entry. It's a good reminder for life in general.
Oh, life. Such a shame how being life editor has forever ruined that word for me. "how's life" no longer means "hi emily, i am genuinely curious about how your life is going, and if you have been happy lately". it now serves as a reminder that sounds to my ears more like "hi emily, how is your newspaper section going? are you guys on time? do you have your graphics in? are all your stories signed off? do you have the right page number?". sadddd. well, maybe thats just cause currently, life, as in life for newspaper sucks. stayed at the jroom until 7, but still didnt finish. maybe cause i didnt get my graphic until 4. on the day that it was due. suuper.
but yeah. i'd totally forgotten i'd ever written that. and perspective is always good. especially in trying times like these. EIGHT DAYS.
but anyhow. kirstie should never update her xanga. cause everytime she does, i get super distracted and look at all the xangas in the ccic blogring. which inevitably leads back to my xanga. and when i read the entry 2 below this one, the april one, it makes me wonder how i could have ever been so delirious. i would delete it but i dont know how. and i dont care enough to figure it out because i dont think anybody reads this anyway.
i should probably finish my calc homework now. and by finish, i mean start.
James 1:20-21
it's ridiculously hard to actually live it.
doesn't mean i shouldn't try though.
edit:
(10:46:51 PM): what do "views" mean (10:46:54 PM): cause one of mine got 52 (10:46:56 PM): which is (10:46:59 PM): strange (10:47:01 PM): hahahha (10:47:03 PM): cause i def dont have 52 friends (10:47:03 PM): peopel click on it (10:47:04 PM): i think (10:47:08 PM): stalkers (10:47:10 PM): i dotn even think i have 25 (10:47:11 PM): haha (10:47:11 PM): no life-rs (10:47:12 PM): YAY (10:47:14 PM): i love stalkers! (10:47:16 PM): i welcome stalkers (10:47:17 PM): LOl (10:47:18 PM): ahahahahah (10:47:20 PM): you should writethat
let the record show that i don't mean actual stalkers. like hilary duff's crazy russian stalker that gave her lovenotes/death threats. i mean the harmless kind. like me! who would find me interesting enough to read my entries even though he/she does not know/talk to me. that kind. cause i am just THAT shameless. yeah, what. don't deny it. you'd be flattered too. yeah even you, with your privatized facebook cause you think you're just that cool. you're not. just let people look at your pictures goshdarnit! goodness. nobody likes you enough to legitimately stalk you. and just cause i know your birthday/significant other/favorite movies and books when you don't even know i exist does NOT make me a creeper.
kay i think i should stop revealing creepy details about myself. this was supposed to be a short edit. not a degeneration into all the reasons why my life fails.
i like to call it quirky, okay?
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| This was a good weekend. Much better than I thought it would be.
I'm quite glad I journal. Even though my entries used to be sporadic and pointless, it's still nice to be able to look back on them and track my growth. I was looking at my two old entries from the 06 and 07 leadership summits. Its really...interesting how much things have changed since then. Even though according to my old entries I've always been frustrated with what I perceived as a lack of spiritual growth, I've actually seen that I have been growing. I guess it's just like growing taller - you don't really realize you're doing it until you look at pictures. Or your pants are too short. I don't think that's a very good analogy actually. But that's beside the point.
It's actually quite inspirational to read how on fire I've been, and how excited I've been to delve deeper into my relationship with God. At the same time it's discouraging how quickly I let the fire die out. But I think I'm getting better at it. At the last summer retreat I wrote about how I was sick of getting spiritual highs that lasted a week and then faded out. I think I managed to take away some lessons that lasted a little longer that way.
Leadership summit was good. It was a necessary distraction from all the school crap that's been going on. Inspirational, encouraging, comforting. It's so much easier to gain the perspective I need to maintain my sanity when I'm physically removed from all the things that tie me to the world. Standing on the mountain top during our hike to the ridge while surrounded by quiet meditative silence was really amazing. I literally felt immersed in God. like I was physically soaking Him in. It was a pretty cool feeling. As I stood on that hill overlooking all the trees, the city lights, the setting sun to the west, I was able to reflect on a lot of things. It was such a picturesque setting, and a pretty cliched setting, but I just sat there and I stared. Stared and thought. "My God made this. My God made me. My God loves me. " Simplistic. Yet so true. And like I said, just some really good perspective on what's going on in my life. Yes I will still freak out and stress when I go back to school tomorrow. But I know that God has a perfect plan for me. What I do today, tomorrow, what I get on my report card. It will all only lead up to the school that God has in store for me. And He loves me so much, how could he want anything but the best for me? Sure it might not be what I have in mind. But that's just even more of a reminder of how I need to put away my pride and learn humility.
I think I have pride issues. Who doesn't? But I also have issues with judging people. I am quite the judging judy I've realized. I need to learn to humble myself and accept God's love to understand His love. This summit was good because even though some of the stuff I've literally heard before at past summits, everything had a fresh take on it since I was actually listening from the point of view of an actual leader. Having my own group of girls really made me look at everything in a different way.
I have a college board ad on the side of my page. Disgusting. College board is a money-stealing, life-ruining, stupid monopolistic organization. I hate them. They can go die.
I hate practice writes. And finishing my thoughts apparently. ADD to the max today.
I should go do my practice write. If i had Mohnike it'd be due in half an hour. I guess it's a good thing I don't.
Okay bye.
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| Regardless, I think xanga entries look better in serif.
Can I just say, I am so not digging this new xanga format. It took me a
good ten minutes just to figure out how to post a new entry. And by
this point, all my creative juices have stopped flowing and my
inspiration has left me. Or so my excuse will be for this disjointed
string of ramblings that is coming up.
So, I'm definitely supposed to be studying for the obese lab exam that
is worth 10% of my currently abysmal grade in bio tomorrow. Obviously
I'm not. Funnily enough, though it is one o clock on the day I'm
to be taking this fatty test, I don't think it's really hit me yet that
the lab exam is tomorrow. Or
maybe it has and my brain is so weary of exams that it's just refusing
to accept it. I don't know. All I know is, my powers of procrastination
are still going strong. And that's not a good thing.
It's hard to be positive at times like these.
What right do I have to judge people when I myself am such a failure?
I use that word a lot. Failure. It's kind of a depressing symbol of how my life has gone since the carefree days of yore when failure truly meant a B on a test. Granted I will still proclaim that a failure today, but only in certain subjects. In others a B is like the ultimate beacon of success. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But anyway, I am a true failure. We all are. Humans that is. In case I have some friendly furry mammal reading this, I felt the need to specify. Actually, I'm sure animals are failures as well. But I digress. Failure! We all are. We all have fallen short. But by His grace we are redeemed. It's kind of funny. Like the type of funny that I feel when I get a bio test and I look at it and start laughing because I am so thoroughly confused by the questions kind of funny. Like a big fat question mark funny. I mean look at me. It's one o clock am the day of my lab exam and I'm sitting here typing up an utterly pointless and nonsensical blog entry about...nothing. Am I using my time to worship God? No. Am I being a good example of what His children should be like by whining to my friends online that I hate life and life sucks just because I have this stupid exam? No. But He loves me. I "ravish His heart". Hahah, brief tangent. Speaker on Sunday was hilarious. The old lady story still cracks me up if I think about it.
Anyways. Ultimately that's a silly question. I never have a right to judge people. But still. I look at certain people and think that if they just trusted God more they wouldn't have to worry. I look at certain people and wonder how they can love God when it seems like their hearts are so set on worldly items and material goods. I look at certain people and just want to slap them in the face and say "Shut up and just listen to God". And then I look at myself. And feel so ashamed. I'm slipping like I never have before. And my apathy about it is the scariest part. I don't know if apathy is really the right word. I care...I just can't be bothered to care enough to actually take 15 minutes out of my pointless life and ask Him to give me a point to go towards. For better or for worse, a prayer before I go to sleep has been a constant in my life. But it's gotten to the point where I don't even do that. It probably started around the time when I really started slacking in school work. I became so disgusted with myself and my complete and utter misuse of my time that I felt ashamed to face God. Or I would berate myself and ask God for help. And then the next day, when my procrastination would not get any better, and probably only get worse I would get angry.
Now isn't that just the dumbest thing you've ever heard? Who's fault is it? It's completely idiotic of me to blame God. And yet it's just so hard to realize that we could actually be responsible for something bad. It's always someone else's fault. Scapegoating is one of the most rampant conditions plaguing the human population I'd say. It's time for me to own up.
I must say, this is like the definition of rambling. If Ms. Ritchie ever read this I would cry. She would lose all faith in me as an able writer. I just really really really really really don't want to study for bio right now. Good thing I still have like five labs to go through.
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
Thanks for the reminder.
This will get me through these last few months.
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| So, I lied. If you are one of the four people I was talking to today, sorry :) I said I would go work at 8:48, but because I am such a failure in every aspect of my life, clearly I did not. I got distracted by this stupid old thing that I haven't written in for like a year.
Looking at the eighth grade graduation pictures makes me soo nostalgic. I know it sounds so pretentious coming from me, a mere 15 year old. What do I have to reminisce about? But it's one thing to skim over the pictures and laugh at how young we looked. It's an entirely different thing to really examine the pictures and see the people in the pictures in respect to who they are in my lives today. I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect anything to change. I don't think I was that naive even then. But still, when I go through the pictures, I feel that pang of regret. It's so utterly insane to consider that those pictures were taken when we were done with middle school. Graduating. And now, we're at the end of our second to last year of high school. In one short year we'll be dealing with an entirely different graduation. A much bigger, more significant graduation. Three years seems like such a short time, and I'm actually quite surprised at how much things haven't changed. I'll always be thankful for the friends that have stuck with me, but just because I've drifted from some people doesn't make the friendships I shared with them any less meaningful. I don't know what I'm getting at here. And I really should not be wasting my time trying to make these petty ramblings of mine trying to sound half-way coherent when I have a craptastic Hamlet essay that desperately needs my attention (a fact that Lisa would gladly attest to, I'm sure). But I can't help it. We're going to freaking prom in a week. Lizzy told me that Lynbrook recently opened up their prom to all grades. I'm so glad that we haven't though. It makes the experience so much more significant. This will be only one of two experiences I will ever have like this. And I'm glad. So one week from now there will be another deluge of pictures from another memorable experience in my relatively lackluster life. When I think back to how exciting and bittersweet 8th grade grad was, it makes me all the more excited to create new memories. THIS IS SO CORNY. hahah. But I can't help it! Tis the beauty of pictures. They make you all gross inside. haha. But anyway, I wonder how I will think on the prom pictures three years from now. I wonder what other friends will have fallen to the wayside, and what friendships will have endured, hopefully even strengthened.
In the end, I'm glad that I know that it will always work out. I'm glad for the few people I can say with certainty will always be there. And I'm glad for the people who although I may not be as close to, at least I've managed to maintain friendliness with. I've been blessed. I don't want to forget that. In the midst of all my whining about school grades, SATs and APs and all those other nasty acronyms that seem to only serve the purpose of inducing misery in high school students' lives, and stupid high school drama, I don't want to ever forget how lucky I am.
So thanks God :)
And now I'm really going to go be efficient and productive.
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| yesss that is correct. it is summer at last!! since i never really write anything anymore, and just post pictures instead, im just going to continue doing that. enjoyy (:
im too lazy to put them in order, so basically the events are last day of school, sarahs grad (in the car on the way there and at the rose garden), and nature walk. hopefully you will be able to tell which pictures are from what.
yea those would be tiffanys sunglasses that michael is wearing and the thing around my wrist is a chipotle napkin. dont ask. were cool.  we are peas in a pod.
that girl sarah is so darn loved.
marcs feet. it was his graduation present to sarah =) [the piggies were from me, yesyes]
were so attractive 
me and the gorgeous grad. cant believe you graduated! 
05-06 parliiiii. what will we do w/o our seniors?! 
the ladies of parli with our wonderful captainn
2 hrs of journalims w/ nothing to do = countless crazy photos. this is just one of them. =) good j1 timess
haha marc and jeff w/ their umbrella.
 yes i am a woman of mystery. shrouded in darkness with my face hid behind flowers. it intrigues you, no? ;]
yeah, i just...dont really know what to say about that. hes an interesting fellow that brown boy.
me and alyssaa. were both looking at her camera.
yessss i got a picture w/ her!! haha i love this girl even though on the rare occasions that i manage to get a picture with her she refuses to smile normally. thats okay. :]
joyceittles and i. she is an elusive one as well. just two testaments to my awesome power of persusasion. or...not. whatever.
grace, sarah, david. the pink flowers are from me :)
marc, sarah, kirstie. oh these pictures where everyone is all smiling and normal looking are so hard to make snappy, witty comments for. 
words cant express my love for these three girls =]
eh. im bored. there are more pictures but i either havent uploaded them yet, or im just too lazy to put them on. more pix at www.dropshots.com/m1lyphant.
sooo...summer has been extremely unproductive. this morning, after reading all my celebrity blogs i went to go see what was on tv. so i was channel surfing and i came upon barney. now i havent seen barney in years. so i watched it for a while. and, it is amazingly corny. and i wondered, who is that person in the barney suit? if i were him/her id be like the most depressed person in the world. after like 5 minutes of barney i came across an infomercial for the AbLounge XL. watched that for a few minutes. thennn...here comes the sad part, i stumbled across the discovery channel. whoa there! i get the discovery channel?! cool. so i watch. and i end up watching some tv show called "white tip's amazing journey" or something. its basically a show on velociraptors. yes, that's right, it follows the journey of a velociraptor. and its like animated, not in a cartoony way, but because, you know, they dont really have a choice if the subject of the show is a long extinct dinosaur. its actually pretty interesting even though all the velociraptors do are shriek and growl. i learned about oviraptors too. and there was a narrator talking about like what they were doing.
basically the point of that lengthy paragraph up there ^ is to illustrate how absolutely and utterly pointless my day has been. so, basically basically there was no point to that. sorry if you read all that =P
i think ill go clean my room or something. ew.
later gators B]
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